The simplest of songs this is, but so true. I remember playing it in the car on the way to school many mornings and crying because He had been so good to me in bringing me a beautiful little girl and loving husband and father.
Our version has the second verse saying, “he knows our needs, he knows our needs, he knows our needs, he’s so good to me.” Yesterday, as I sat on this beautiful deck, in this beautiful town, hooking at my latest rug, I thought to myself, yes, he does know our needs. A year ago as Bea and I began to make the deepest decision of our lives, it was necessary for me to believe He knew what He was doing as He guided us on a new journey.
And it’s even more important now to understand and accept God’s plans for us, moving forward. So many times in this process I have tried to speed things up to get to the end of this long, torturous train, but it just doesn’t work that way for me. And it can be in the anguish of a memory that this becomes most apparent, for in my mind, for there to be progress, there must also be pain, and plenty of it.
But God has given me resources to work through this excruciating time. My hooking for one, and do not underestimate the power of suffering when it comes to creating some really neat stuff! He’s given me a great new female support network whose outlook on global issues I have often not considered before, living in my protective bubble of the past. They shop local, support the marginalized, read extensively and welcome those who grieve, not with pity, but with reassurance and acceptance, and the foregoing conclusion that you are a contributor to the universe.
He has given me new avenues to explore in terms of art, education, and career. Without change and belief, it’s impossible to know who you can become.
God knows Bea and I need time to reconfigure our relationship. Right now we are pretty codependent and understandably so. We know that’s going to change and the insights God has provided me into Bea’s character, nature, and thoughts are truly appreciated. It’s in the stillness and the knowing when this happens and I still need plenty of those times to understand where she and I are headed.
In my consultations with the Lord, there are times when I experience a fair bit of lag time. In fact, there requests He still hasn’t answered, or at least, I do not think He has. Maybe I haven’t been listening closely enough, or perhaps I just do not want to know the answer right now, even if it sits before me for the taking. It may be even He doesn’t know the answer yet.
I cannot believe that God intends me to be and feel this alone for the time that I have left on this “mortal coil”. I ask Him quite frequently about this. And while it might be too soon to wish for a close, meaningful relationship with another human being, I continue to make the request, knowing that God is always aware of time and place.
God is so very very good. Without His incredible presence in my life, there would be no present. He understands my love of family, and gives them to me in the form of cousins who communicate almost daily, and a brother and sister-in-law who are always thinking of us, no matter the distance and time.
I know that He prepared me for this unthinkable time in a variety of ways that I am just beginning to understand. He continues to offer me guidance in so many ways and forms that I cannot believe I ever question his motives and yet I still sometimes do. Yet even then He forgives, and we begin this process of believing a new, and more importantly, together.